Life As A Spec

Moments without fear

I feel the balance returning to me. In the wake of all that was, and in the return to all that is, I can begin to find peace within the present moment. My life looks like hunger and desire, and my heart fills with love as sands do the hourglass. Day by day, grain by grain, all that is, is all that I am.

I am not who I ought to be,

I am not who I want to be,

I am not what I will be,

But I am grateful,

That I am better than I used to be.

Today I focus, on the fine art of friendship, leaning with intent and sorrow into a man who’s dedicated to the truth and in service of all his brothers and sisters, shedding a single tear for the little boy in the batman shirt that must be left behind.

Surely your influence exceeds your comprehension.

A peak into a Life as a Breakdancer.

As you walk into the lowly lit room, you can’t help but feel slightly suffocated by the damp and husky humidity of just over a hundred sweaty bodies dancing their insides out. I walk in with subtle but noticeable swagger confidently strutting in my new black and white Nike high tops, in skinny at the waist baggy at the ankles jeans, and group of like-minded people dressed in the same uniform. Stallarna has a bar, so it is reasonable to assume that over 75% percent of the club is drunk, or becoming drunk. Stallarna is two stories. The top story is reserved for nurturing gambling addictions at a poker table and also watching some occasional live music. The bottom story is all about dancing. People are dancing for many different reasons; the men seem to be dancing to attract the women, the women, often coyly guarded in their group of girlfriends, dance primarily for provocation. And then there’s us. The breakers. We dance for something different, we are performers. We dance for the admiration of the people who are stuck in their same old basic routine. We dance to create a space between the people that are forgotten the moment they are seen. But, mostly we dance because it is fun. Me, and a crew of eight other breakers, take space in the back right corner where it is least crowded. This is where we always go, and regardless of how late in the night it is, we always start off slow and goofy.

It begins as a laughing contest, we make a small circle and people will dance in any ridiculous way as long as someone gets a laugh. The circle will gradually widen as the momentum of the moment gains intensity. You will see the beginnings of our circle when someone decides to throw in a bit of their own stylistic toprock, and then someone else decides to follow. I look around and see people starting to take notice of us. People are attracted to our energy and expression. Something funny happens every time I have gone out with these guys. There’s always one guy who gets excited enough to jump into our circle and dance in whatever way he knows how. These moments are golden, because most people cant dance.  But people feel safe because they can see that we don’t care, and dancing has never been about doing it perfectly, at least not in this culture.  “Dance to express no to impress”. Anyways, we usually cheer the person on until they lose steam, or just decide to leave. However, the open invitation usually comes to a staggering halt when one of us decides to go for it. This can be signified by a few things: someone may dis someone else, and then everyone knows it’s “on” and real dancing is coming. Or someone might bust into a downrock or a freeze. But usually it is signified by a sharp change in energy, and energy that says, “its time to dance”. When this begins, people don’t come into the circle unless they have something to say. This part is more aggressive and more stylistic, harder, more in your face, and most people cant do much more than sit back and watch. Welcome to our natural habitat. I watch as each dancer takes up as much space in the circle as they can. I watch as one leaves and another enters, showing whatever moves they have. The circle is all volunteer, and how long someone decides to dance is dependent on their abilities or whether or not someone decides to come in and dance them out of the circle so they can get their shot. I look around and see people watching. I decide to enter.

I’ve been trying to think of a good metaphor for what it is like to enter into a circle. The best thing I can come up with is that it is like walking into a pool of adrenaline. The gods of breakdance hit you with the defibrillator paddles, and everything becomes clear. Pun intended.  All the nerves you had before entering dissolve into the moment, and you become lucid. This is the spiritual aspect of dancing in general. Lucidity. We are born into a world that fills us with ideas, expectations, limits, rules, and because of this we are always thinking, and rarely existing in the eternal now. Wonderful is the feeling, breaking through the walls of yourself, only to find time a residual side affect of some guy who had a habit of thinking too much. By the time it is over, you don’t remember much of what had happened. Forgive the metaphor, but my first time entering a circle was like losing my virginity, your nervous as hell when it begins, and you don’t remember much when its over. Awesome.

Tell them.

Special, unique, beautiful, worthy, a creation and reflection of God, that’s what you are.

Today I opened my computer to see the beautiful face of a woman I’ve loved since the first and formless first time I saw her smile. Every little molecule of you exists within every little molecule in me. Every memory of you whether it be real or surreal has created my definition and belief in the mystery and voluminous power of love. Like the Grinch you are ever expanding my heart, sometimes to the point where I feel it may burst, other times in ways which I feel it already has, and I am just floating in the weightless current of a life I have already lived. On this day, a day of rebirth and renewal, I feel a peace and equanimity inside my heart for the gift of you. You who have had your souls opposable thumbs on my heart since the day you met me. My gratitude cannot be expressed through words, not even poetic, silly ones.

Today, I welcome my family to consider the deep and strong bonds of love we share. May everyday bring us closer together, and may we always acknowledge that we are here too be good to each other, to love each other the best we know how, and always be in a process of improving and enlarging each other, for that is the only way we can ever really enlarge ourselves. I love you all so much and I am so grateful that God chose to give me the immeasurable gift of a beautiful, and strong, and loving family. I have all your beautiful faces running through my mind, and it makes me want shout “I LOVE MY FAMILY SO MUCH!” Especially you Nicole. I have really missed you lately.

I am usually not the kind to post a song as a blog. But I think this song to too perfect to describe the spirit of giving yourself to something more, and celebrating whatever or whoever it is that gave us the miracle of each other.

“I may have faith to make mountains fall, but if I lack love then I am nothing at all”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTFvgTfyToc

Yo heh heh tell him it’s like uhh you know uhh
Sweet sweet SWEET tell him

Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I’ll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he’s all that I got and
tell him…

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it’ll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be alright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It’ll be alright

Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothin’ at all
I can give away everything I possess
But am without love then I have no happiness
I know I’m imperfect [I know I’m imperfect]
& not without sin [& not without sin]
But now that I’m older all childish things end
and tell him…

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it’ll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be alright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It’ll be alright

Bridge
I’ll never be jealous
And I won’t be too proud
Cause love is not boastful
Oooh and love is not loud
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
Everything’s gonna be alright [w/ adlibs]
ieee iee ieee iee iee iee iee iee

Now I may have wisdom and knowledge on Earth
But if I speak wrong then what is it worth?
See what we now know is nothing compared
to the love that was shown when our lives were spared
and tell him…

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it’ll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be allright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It’ll be alright

Love you guys.

P.S. Don’t you love the feeling of getting a new pair of shoes, and liking them so much that you don’t wanna take them off, even when you sleep.

The Middle Man

 It seems like everything in my life exists in limbo. Sunken in a meretricious fissure, where my abilities are the envy of the amateurs, but primly spurned by the excellent. Allow me to elucidate.

In dance, I find myself garnering style and finally being able to communicate emotion with movements of my body. I am able to look sexy, confident, angry, silly, sad, gassed up, only using movements of my body. This is a funky fresh feeling. BUT, there are simple little things that I find SO difficult. Like for instance, learning to isolate different parts of my body (for those of you who don’t know dance jargon, “isolating” occurs when a specific muscle or part of the body moves completely separate from the rest of the body). I have been trying to isolate my neck and move it sided to side, and while everyone got it on the first day, two weeks later, I am barely learning it. I know, I know, don’t compare Tim, but shit man, ya know? Shit. When I struggle with things like this, it’s easy for my brain to say, “are you really getting better man?”  So I feel like I am in this limbo where I officially can dance, BUT I can really DANCE. yet.

Another example, I have been studying and working on confidence for a little while, trying to change thoughts patterns that no longer subsist the direction I want to grow into. While, I have gained a lot of knowledge, and I do have tools and phrases and moments where I feel more confident, strong, and secure, truthfully, I feel like I am in the middle of a lake and the oars that were propelling me to my finish line have turn into Ramen noodles, and now I am relying on the momentum from the last moment I could consciously feel solidarity. Does that make sense? It was kinda wordy. But yea.

My vocab is getting gooder. So that’s cool. But even there, I perhaps am placing ten dollar words in 2 dollar phrases.

I feel like that has always been a symptom of my life and character. To have a passion for something, but not have the discipline or the self-efficacy to really stick with it and believe that I WILL get to the next level.

I should post a picture of my biceps. THEY ARE HUGE.

As I am writing I must let you know that I am tired and no doubt the glass is half empty because of the massive gulps I have been taking from it, and of course I know that there is an entire other reality that exists opposite but equally as true the one I have just painted. If have gotten this far, then I appreciate your gift of attention, and I hope it will not be too much of a downer, and I eagerly suggest that you bathe in the diaphanous light of possibility, while I acknowledge that should I see tomorrow, I will no doubt let the music play on. Play on. Play on.