The Middle Man
It seems like everything in my life exists in limbo. Sunken in a meretricious fissure, where my abilities are the envy of the amateurs, but primly spurned by the excellent. Allow me to elucidate.
In dance, I find myself garnering style and finally being able to communicate emotion with movements of my body. I am able to look sexy, confident, angry, silly, sad, gassed up, only using movements of my body. This is a funky fresh feeling. BUT, there are simple little things that I find SO difficult. Like for instance, learning to isolate different parts of my body (for those of you who don’t know dance jargon, “isolating” occurs when a specific muscle or part of the body moves completely separate from the rest of the body). I have been trying to isolate my neck and move it sided to side, and while everyone got it on the first day, two weeks later, I am barely learning it. I know, I know, don’t compare Tim, but shit man, ya know? Shit. When I struggle with things like this, it’s easy for my brain to say, “are you really getting better man?” So I feel like I am in this limbo where I officially can dance, BUT I can really DANCE. yet.
Another example, I have been studying and working on confidence for a little while, trying to change thoughts patterns that no longer subsist the direction I want to grow into. While, I have gained a lot of knowledge, and I do have tools and phrases and moments where I feel more confident, strong, and secure, truthfully, I feel like I am in the middle of a lake and the oars that were propelling me to my finish line have turn into Ramen noodles, and now I am relying on the momentum from the last moment I could consciously feel solidarity. Does that make sense? It was kinda wordy. But yea.
My vocab is getting gooder. So that’s cool. But even there, I perhaps am placing ten dollar words in 2 dollar phrases.
I feel like that has always been a symptom of my life and character. To have a passion for something, but not have the discipline or the self-efficacy to really stick with it and believe that I WILL get to the next level.
I should post a picture of my biceps. THEY ARE HUGE.
As I am writing I must let you know that I am tired and no doubt the glass is half empty because of the massive gulps I have been taking from it, and of course I know that there is an entire other reality that exists opposite but equally as true the one I have just painted. If have gotten this far, then I appreciate your gift of attention, and I hope it will not be too much of a downer, and I eagerly suggest that you bathe in the diaphanous light of possibility, while I acknowledge that should I see tomorrow, I will no doubt let the music play on. Play on. Play on.
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